Ted is real competitive.  His boy, to be polite, stunk.  It took the poor kid close to twenty practice serves to get one over the net.   God knows how many more to get a ball in the box because I decided to start drinking early.   Needless to say Ted’s boy and I lost 6-1, 6-1.  The two games we won were because I was serving and placed the ball where they could only hit it back to me.  

  After Ted and his partner over-zealously in my opinion celebrated their great victory with jumping high fives and points at me and Ted’s boy I thought it would be over but they wanted to play some more.  I suggested that ted and his son team up but Ted said his son didn’t play well with him so it would be best if he stayed partnered with me or Gary.  (The other member of our group)  Gary blurted out that Ted’s boy was like playing with Ray Charles and would rather get started early on the beer than get clobbered.   I said “For crying out loud. I’ll keep him and play one more set.”

  I spent the next set tutoring the young lad on set up and footwork and all the other tennis stuff.   He did show some improvement and actually helped win a game.  Winning wasn’t important anyway. Teaching the kid some tennis so jerks wouldn’t compare him to Ray Charles I thought was the more important thing to do.   We did high five each other though after the game he helped win to stick it up his Dad’s you know what.

  After we got done I was happy that I helped the kid and happier it was over.  Gary was right. The kid was like playing with Ray Charles.   Then Ted asked if I’d pair up with his boy this weekend in the tennis tournament because he was “too busy.”

   What else could Big N Tall Nation say when asked if we’d help out a kid?     “Sure Ted. Be glad to.”

       Cleveland Brown head coach and whatever else he does there, Mike Holmgren, apparently reduced or eliminated the role of advisor held by the greatest football player of all time.   Jim Brown.   Not only that. The Browns reduced the support they donate to Browns charity.

  Jim Brown isn’t just a great football player and Big N Tall Guy.  He’s a great man.  He’s never been afraid to speak his mind and say what he thought needed to be said. He worked tirelessly for inner city charities.    If my kid grew up to be like Jim Brown I’d consider myself a success as a parent.

  Mike Holmgren is a successful NFL coach.  I won’t denigrate his body of work.  Big N Tall Nation does question his judgement.   Of course, then again, the four years out of 15 or so Holmgren was successful were because of quarterbacks that played well whether he was head coach or not.   Jim Brown  was great because Jim Brown was great. Not because Bret Favre managed to avoid interceptions.

  Big N Tall nation is going with Jim Brown.  The Cleveland Browns can have Mike Holmgren.    No Turner T for him.

     Took the family and met up with some friends at the ball game last night.   WE have a decent minor league team in town and the games are cheap and fun.   Unless there’s a group of idiots raising hell and being a general nuisance to everyone else.   That’s what happened last night.

  From the first inning there were five or six loudmouths screaming at the umps and players.   I couldn’t even tell who they were rooting for.  I guess they just wanted scream and ruin the game for everyone else.

 During the fourth inning the people around me were murmuring that these idiots needed to be quiet and someone should do something.  This is one of the few times it doesn’t pay to be a big guy.  They all started looking at me to go up to these nuts and quiet them.

  Not wanting to look wimpy because I’m always telling my kids to stand up for themselves,  I went ahead and decided to have a talk with the loudmouths.   But also knowing at my age, I couldn’t whip any of them, I knew I needed a plan.  So on the way up to where these clowns were at, I stopped an usher, who for some reason didn’t think it was his job to make sure the game is an enjoyable experience for everyone, and had a little conversation with him.   I didn’t really say anything.  I just wanted the rowdies to see me with the usher.

  After a moment I sent the usher on his way to be useless someplace else and went up to the loudest rowdy and told him that “they” were going to shut off everyone’s beer if we all don’t quiet down.   Some do gooder even called the cops.   Then I told him how it was unfair guys like us have to have our good time ruined by some peacenik.

  The chief rowdy thanked me for the warning and told his friends to be quiet or there would be no more beer.   I went back to my section, puffed up my chest and said “They won’t be any trouble now.”   Everyone looked at me like I was Captain Marvel.   The night was a success. Big N Tall Nation to the rescue once again.

     The last two years of watching our national pastime (Baseball)  it’s been pretty obvious the players are shrinking.    Home runs are down.   Even batting averages look to be down.    I think steroids have been successfully driven out of baseball.    I appreciate that because with the drugs there was no advantage to being naturally a big and tall guy.   There was no advantage to being smaller but fast and a great fielder because the home run ruled.   Everyone was hitting lots of them.   Didn’t need or want stolen bases because there were four guys that were hitting 30 home runs or more a year on a team.

   We’re lucky right now because we have the chance to watch St. Louis Cardinal First Baseman Albert Pujols.   He’s our generation’s Joe Dimaggio.    He’s also a big guy who would look good in a 2X Turner Original.    And he plays by the rules.   He doesn’t look much different now than when he came into the league nine years ago. Whereas many players like Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Mark MaGuire were freakishly bigger.   

  Arguing who should go to the Hall of Fame can come at a later post.    Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs fueled on beer and hot dogs.  Hank Aaron hit 755 fueled on hard work, technique and dedication.    Albert Pujols is following Hank Aaron’s example.  And though it would be cool to see another beer and hot dog fueled guy like The Babe come along.  It’s still good to see every size guy starting to have a place in the game again. 

   We at Big N Tall Nation don’t so much measure you by the size of your Turner original as much as we do the size of your heart.

  I said sure. Locust tree are just tall weeds when you get right down to it.  At least that’s what I though till I went out there with the chain saw.    Looking at them made me realize they’re not ugly weeds.  These things have character.  All gnarly. Their branches trying to reach out farther that the tree next to it in a battle for sunlight that has been waging for twenty years.    The thick, shady canopy they provide.     Locust trees are like Winston Churchill.  They may not be pretty, but these trees have substance.     That’s what being Big N Tall is about man! Character and substance.  You don’t chop the limbs off someone or something of character and substance.

    I told my neighbor he wasn’t Phil Mickleson and not to wear himself out practicing a shot he will never be able to hit.    As for the Locust Trees, they’re all getting a Turner Original T!

   My motives weren’t exactly pure though. I was curious why Gary would need a riding mower when his yard isn’t much bigger than my living room.  Maybe Gary had a farm or something.    No. Gary just wanted a riding mower because he didn’t want to to push one anymore.

   We got back to Gary’s house and of course Gary, who’d never been on a riding mower in his life asked me to back it out of the truck on the planks the guy at Home Depot said we could borrow. (I need to take them back one of these days.)  Once I got the rider off and showed Gary how to make it go forward and backwards, he thanked me for my help. Then he asked if I thought it was strange he wanted a riding mower for his tiny yard.

  I said “Hell no Gary. You’re livin large dude. In fact the big boss is coming out with a line of regular size T’s so regular size guys can look good while livin large.  You’re getting the first one off the line Gary!”

   You don’t have to be large to live large.

   Four years ago my youngest daughter decided she had to have some pet goldfish.  A guy from work had a ten gallon aquarium he said he’d give me on the condition I never give it back.    Fish are like pool tables.  The good feeling you get when you set them up in your house are only exceeded by the euphoria of finally getting rid of them.  

  So we set up the aquarium and went to the pet store and bought a dozen of these 25 cent goldfish.    As the months went by, one by one they died. Except for the “Big N Tall Six” as I came to know the survivors.  These were huge by any goldfish standard.  It didn’t help that my daughter fed them a six ounce can of food every week. I gave up trying to keep the aquarium clean long ago.  The biggest one we named “Turner” after the 6:11 boss.

   Last week the euphoria of being rid of these monsters arrived.  One of my neighbors installed a koi pond and said he’d be glad to take the fish off my hands.  Of course we gave my daughter the line about being able to visit them whenever she wanted. Yada, yada.   So I took the whole aquarium to his house and dumped the entire thing in his koi pond.   It did look good, the variety of colors and sizes of goldfish he had in there.

 To celebrate being rid of this nuisance I took the family to Long John Silver.

    Two days later my neighbor knocks on my door and in his hand is a big, clear Sam’s Club garbage bag with these giant goldfish and he’s mad as all hell.    I asked what the problem was.  My neighbor, Oscar, said these giant goldfish ate all his other fish in the koi pond.  Over $300 worth of calicos and a couple other types of fish he said.   So now I’m stuck with the “Big N Tall Six” once again along with the bill for Oscar’s exotic koi fish.   He did agree to pay half of it so it ended up being $150 on my end.  Plus the cost of another aquarium because I dropped the old one in the street after dumping it in Oscar’s koi pond.   My wife and daughter demanded I get a twenty gallon aquarium that was $75 along with the new gravel and ornaments that no member of Big N Tall Aquatic Nation should be expected to do without.

  These are some large livin goldfish.

   God bless you George. There’s a Turner T waiting for you on the other side Big Man!

   Just cause you have no teeth doesn’t mean you can’t live large and eat large.

       I’ve e handing out Turner T’s to large livin guys and gals for weeks now.  But as deserving as everyone so far has been, none are more deserving than our Nation’s Founders.   They pledged their lives and fortunes to create a nation that gave everyone the right to live large. 

    From Big N Tall Nation, we hope everyone had a great Independence Day!